This past week I found myself weepier than usual.
I found my patience wearing thin and I felt more tired. Things I would normally let go off, seemed to be magnified. There was something amiss, and for a few days I couldn’t figure out why.
Then I went to see “The Descendants” -- a wonderful gem of a film, which I highly recommend. The story deals with anticipatory grief and loss struck close to home and brought to light why I was in a funk.
My son, who had passed away in 1998, would have been 18 on February 21st. If he were still with us, next month, he would have completed high school. It’s a landmark year of sorts, letting emotions rise, unsettling my equilibrium this time of the year, and manifesting in my weepiness.
Over the last few days I’ve been wanting to alternately hide in a cave, drown myself in work, or hit the gym until I drop. Somehow, I managed to find a balance among the three by throwing in trips to the spa watching action and romantic comedies in between, sitting with the sadness when it comes and just being kinder to myself.
Psychotherapist Bobbi Emel who helps people regain their resiliency and who blogs over at The Bounce Blog reminds us to keep the following tips to heart whenever we find ourselves in a temporary funk.
One, we need to remember that emotions are often short-lived and transitory. The blues do not last forever and the funk you are in can just be a phase depending upon your current circumstances. In my case, it was remembering my son’s loss and the milestones he could have achieved if he were still around.
However, sitting with sadness is very important. Introspection, inner work must be done so you can find out what’s causing the blues. “The examined life is so worth living!” a poster outside the Ateneo’s Philosophy department read. I passed it on the day that I was feeling down. Plato was certainly spot on. Examine, confront, and act on it.
Second, Emel suggests that we think about our experience in the present moment rather than falling prey to words like always and forever. No emotion lasts always and forever unless you have something that can be found in the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), and even then, all is not lost, because in addition to talk therapy, there are now a wide array of medicines to help address profound sadness aka depression, or other mental issues.
Not everyone who experiences sadness from time to time is depressed. In my case, my son’s upcoming birthday was a grief trigger. Knowing that, I’ve given myself permission to allow the ups and downs of my emotions until his landmark birthday passes. After that, I know in my heart I’ll be all right again.
Being self-aware of what’s going on inside helps keep your emotions in check. Rather than lashing out at your nearest and dearest or ranting and raving at insignificant issues, which many people who are in denial often do, you can opt to leave the room, run around the block, or whatever it is that will get your boat to float.
Third, Emel says, “Take a deep breath and tolerate the painful emotion, holding on to the certainty that it won’t last forever.”
What I’ve found helpful, is to go on a long hike by myself or attend dance class. Deep breathing, like the kind you do in yoga class, always has a magical way of alleviating pain, making you aware that whatever it is, this is just for the moment. Hold it, then release.
Dance class has the same effect. After an hour of sweating to Beyonce, Maroon 5, Nikki Minaj or whatever else is on the instructor’s playlist, I find that my blues have melted away. Movement in any form – walking, running, dancing – helps release emotional toxins by increasing your happy hormones.
Next, allow yourself to be really present and notice when your emotions change. When I shut other things out and focus on the task on hand, my emotions are able to rise to the surface. I was eating my salad and talking about my son casually to a colleague at work when all of a sudden I began to feel a lump in my throat and my eyes began to blur. Emel says that sometimes the difference is subtle, but once you begin to see the transitions, you become more confident that your pain will eventually change, too. Emotions all have their own season, they come and go.
During difficult periods, do something nice for yourself. It can be as simple as an extra half hour in the bath, sleeping in for a few hours, a massage, indulging in dessert, a trip to the salon, or okay, some degree of retail therapy. Whatever you opt to do, just don’t go overboard and binge. Remember, everything nice, kind, and ideally healthy, in moderation is perfectly all right.
Lastly, keep in mind four important words and believe in their promise – “This too, shall pass.” At the end of a long and difficult day, let this be your prayer, than no matter how sad you might be, it will pass, and the morning will bring with it not just the light, but the chance for you to start anew.
Roots & Wings, 19 February 2012, in the Lifestyle section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer
Photo credits : Vanilla Bean Cake Company
